We Can Want What We Want

One of my children can be incredibly difficult to motivate. Whether we’re discussing household chores, schoolwork, or running an errand she didn’t want to participate in, I’ve always struggled to know how to get her to move forward. What “worked” one day will absolutely not work the next. I’ve tried revoking privileges and promising rewards. She will even start on a project or a task with enthusiasm, excited about what she’s doing and whatever reward it (or I) will bring. But after a while, her ardor cools. Reminders of the reward are met with “that’s okay, Mom, I didn’t really want it anyway.”

It breaks my heart to hear her declare that a deeply held dream now means very little to her, because of the frustration she’s facing. She did want the thing. We discussed how much she wanted it. But she would rather change her dream than be disappointed.

This child thinks she’s very different from me, but I can tell you that in this we are the same.

I recently faced a relational disappointment. When talking it over with a friend, I told her I felt silly for being excited about a possibility that wasn’t promised, for getting carried away in the idea and the dream. And I was continuing to reframe the disappointment in an “it’s for the best” lens when she stopped me. She said she would never see or say what I was saying, because she believed so much in my worth. “You’re the best of the best. I love you and you are worthy of being loved.”

I initially took her words as the comfort of a friend, but they stuck with me for hours. I mulled over the message she was giving me until I was able to hear it deep in my heart:

“Andrea, you’re worthy of wanting what you want.”

I don’t have to change my desire to avoid disappointment. Not getting what I want doesn’t mean I didn’t deserve to want it.

So I want to say that to you, my sisters on the other side of a screen. You’re worthy of wanting what you want. Disappointments will come, and we will survive them. We’ve survived so many all ready. It’s only natural to try to protect ourselves from future disappointments. I’m learning in this phase of my life (finally) to let the disappointments be what they will be. They don’t always teach a lesson. They don’t always get a ribbon and bow and a perfect resolution. Sometimes they stay disappointing and painful. But the disappointment doesn’t change our worth. And it doesn’t mean we were wrong to want.

And we can’t prevent disappointment by avoiding our dreams. So dream about the life you want. About the growth you want to see in yourself, about the places you want to visit and the experiences you want to have. Dare to peek into the recesses of your heart and let the longings and the hopes be what they are, without diminishing them. Be strong enough to live in this world with a soft heart open to possibilities, and leave love in your wake.