Ten Ways to Help Your Single Mom Friend
When a family in a church faces illness, a life-changing emergency, or a death, volunteers often mobilize to deliver meals or perform household maintenance. But when there is a divorce, we don’t see the same response. Jill English pondered this phenomenon and some of the reasons behind it in her excellent post, The Casserole Rules (click here to read).
Whether or not the church community officially responds, friends of a newly single mom may wonder how they can help. I have 10 tips for you to help your single mom friend navigate her new life.
Don’t Ask What Happened. Unless she offers to tell you, don’t ask about the circumstances surrounding her divorce. The broken relationship has shaken her sense of stability. She doesn’t know who to trust, and anyone who pops in asking questions will be seen as someone just looking to fuel gossip.
Do Sit And Listen. Be a solid sounding board. The early days are a confusion of emotions, and there are more confusing days ahead. Listen without judgment, problem solving, or telling your own history (unless she asks). Let her process her disappointments and doubts in real-time. This important step will help to rebuild the trust she’s lost.
Don’t Try To Be Her Counselor. Listen in love, offer sound advice when asked, but if she seems to need more help processing, help her find a good Christian counselor.
Do (Gently) Refer Her Back To Scripture. Keeping Tip 2 in mind, it is okay to point her to Scripture. A friend once wrote me a letter and included a portion of Isaiah that helped her through her own divorce. Romans 8 is also excellent. I read that chapter every day for a month. I desperately needed to hear all those words - from “no condemnation” to “no separation.” Be sure to tell her why a passage you recommend is important or encouraging to you.
Don’t Say “Let Me Know If You Need Anything.” If I can be blunt, this “offer” sounds disingenuous. I used to say this when I didn’t know what else to say. It makes us feel better in the moment to say it, but it sets us up to be one more person in her life who can’t be trusted (see Tip 1). I did try to call people who said this to me, and experienced the “no.” I felt like I didn’t matter to them, and it did damage my relationship with them.
Do Offer Concrete Help. In the middle of pain and confusion, she may not know what she needs. If you are willing to watch her kids when she has a job interview, tell her the days and hours you’re available. Call and ask what her kids would love for dinner, and drop off a meal or a gift card. Think about what would be helpful to you if everything in your life suddenly changed.
And then…expect that she will say no to offers of help. Single moms become independent very quickly. Accepting help, and eventually asking for help, is a skill she will have to learn. If you follow some of these other tips, she will receive your offers more readily. But please don’t take it personally if she says she doesn’t want your husband to mow her lawn!
Don’t Assume Someone Else Has It “Covered.” It’s tempting to think that someone else must have met her needs already. Even if she has already received meals and support, she still needs you. Your friendship fills an important place in her life. Don’t be afraid to reach out.
Do Invite Her To Activities. Friendships change over the course of our lives. But during a divorce, a woman can lose her social circle very quickly. Especially in a church setting, she may feel that she no longer fits in now that she isn’t someone’s wife. So include her like always. The best way to help her is to plan the activities. Single moms make all the decisions in their household in addition to working a job (or more than one job), helping with homework... Your single mom friend would love to spend time with you, but she doesn’t have the energy to make all the plans. So invite her, and make it simple for her to say yes!
Don’t Ask About Her Legal Situation. Don’t ask if her divorce is final yet, or if she’s on public assistance, or if she’s receiving child support. Divorce can lead to dire financial straits, particularly if she has to find a new home, pay for legal expenses, find childcare, etc. If she trusts you, she may open up to you. But she does not want to be perceived as a burden. Give her the space to share as she needs to.
Do Celebrate Her Achievements. Be someone she can turn to:
when she gets a new job, or a promotion
when she pays off her car
when she moves into a new place
when she begins to feel strong enough to share her story
when she experiences God’s restoration and love
I hope this list gives you some ideas of ways you can support someone going through a divorce. Single moms don’t want to be seen as needy, but they do need community, and they need help finding the balance between the two.
If you found this helpful, be sure to share with your community. Together we can support each other and build a brighter future!
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